I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
So squirting runs in the family.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
