apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
