Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
