Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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