hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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