Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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