i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
