The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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