I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
