I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
The air was thick with penises
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
