what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
