Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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