I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
