if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
