I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
