My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize