yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
how does that bad decision feel?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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