I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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