Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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