well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
