In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Is it penis luge time yet?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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