I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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