nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize