don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize