BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
