You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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