i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
We have started to decorate penises.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
My liver is preforming stress tests.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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