I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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