You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
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