I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
