She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
