Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
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