Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
