Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
me + whiskey = a bad person
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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