Im at strip club and am horny
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
