I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
