if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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