i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
is that a dick in a sweater?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
