Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I think my moral compass just broke
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
