I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
