My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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