I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
