If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
