JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
