Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Randomize
