You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
