My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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