forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
