so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
