I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize