Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
