Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
