I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
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