I just pynch a tree in the face
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
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